soo..im "single" again. on paperwork for the feds i guess i was single the whole time since ive never been married, hah.

there are just too many things to fix right away in this relationship. he needs time to think about what he Actually Wants, and Who he actually wants. there was a pretty traumatic event involving my now-ex (i hate the term ex, but what can ya do?), lots of booze, and him dancing with a girl that wasnt me. that was just the culminating event, shall we say. because i knew he has been unhappy with where he lives for his job, the long distance issue- but most importantly to him (at least during his drunken rant to me) is the fact that hes not over one of his former partners. le sigh.

i mean, with forgiveness and patience i couldve let the drunken dancing go. but when the boy cant even decide if he wants to be with me or not- why should i try? so i ended things.

he needs to figure out if this girl is still on his mind (quite a lot) because they should be together, or if he just regrets breaking up with her for the petty reasons he initially had, or if she just represents a time in his life when things were simpler [pre-graduation, pre- moving far away from family and friends, pre- long distance with me stress...] so, i brought these things to his attention, and i feel hopeful that he will do some meaningful introspection.

mayhap when he figures things out we can have a talk and start from square one again-if i havent moved on. while i don't let moss grow on me as far as boys are concerned- this time i think i will hold out for a Man. i've had my fill of boys honestly. this is not to say that i dont want someone i can be silly with or that i want a "provider"-fuck that.

i need sillytimes and for my partner to have a sense of humor compatible with mine. i also need someone who knows their own heart and desires. who knows where theyre going in life-or at least vaguely where they'd like to go. i can provide for myself (well, i'm looking for decent employment currently, hah)

and im not heartless, i dont think, or asking too much, for the person im with to be sure they want ME. we all have those "should i have left so and so?" and "whats so and so doing now?" kind of thoughts- but they should be more random, NOT frequent and tearing up your insides. if that is the case, then you need to Talk to that person you still have feelings for. just for healing/self-actualization purposes.


so, i think its reasonable that im feeling a bit down- im trying not to take his not being over someone personally..but how can i not? im not letting it eat me up inside-frankly, whats more important to me is that he take time for serious introspection-whether he and i somehow end up together again, or not...

[[not to be cynical, but judging by the evidence, im not sure i will be able to trust that he is actually over this girl and not just really lonely if he wants to get back together..i read people Extremely well, so, only complete sincerity will win me over]]

i know myself, and i know what i want. not to say there arent things in my life im unsure of.. but i know ME and what is most important to me. and when i say i want a man instead of a boy, i mean i want someone who is mature when it counts, who knows what they want from life and from a partner, and who knows themselves. someone who Talks to me about things.


No More boyish denial and temper tantrums for me, thanks.